Dio Brando (Article)
In the series of four articles, journalist Leo Ruby investigates Dio Brando, the leader and god-head of Dioism. In the articles, he interviews some of the main supporters of Dio, as well well as one of its major detractors. The article was published in January 2009.
Dio Brando: Part I
What follows is my attempt at finding out who Dio Brando really is, and why he does what he does. Enjoy!
I was sitting at my table, drinking a cup of tea, when I saw it: God's Hand. I'd subscribed a while back, but after Dio died, I never get any more issues. I quickly picked it up, and found that Dio was indeed alive and well. I had received a call from GLaDOS the last night, but he was hysterical and I wasn't able to understand him. Later that night I was in the pub with several friends, and I told them about Dio. One of them was amazed; "I thought he was just a myth!" he said. It was at that point that I decided what I must do. The only biography of Dio available is that of his younger life, and a fictionalized account as well, so I immediately got a plane ticket, and the next day I was on my way to Pakistan.
I pulled into the Pakistani airport that night and entered the sweltering heat. It is a land of beauty, but also of political unrest, but things have pretty much died down since the V1 crisis. I was given a bodyguard, and GlaDOS met me at his car, an open topped VW-Thing style car. The bodyguard sat in the back with me, and GlaDOS sat up front with the driver. He was a former U.S. citizen, but left after disillusionment with the right-leaning policies of the U.S. and become a follower of Dio.
- "Welcome Leo. It's nice to see you again." he said.
"Nice to see you again as well, GlaDOS. What can you tell me about Dio? Who are his enemies?"
- "Well, I can't tell you much other, than that his enemies are every PIG DISGUSTING capitalist in the world." GlaDOS calms down again. "But I don't really know much. Check with GnolTac.
We pass several dirty children in the street playing, who make bro fists as we pass them, a gesture that GlaDOS, the driver, and the bodyguard return. We pass through the slums and drive into the swankier area of Islamabad, finally pulling up to the front of the Stardust Cruisers headquarters, emblazoned with a large picture of their hideous mascot out front. I get out, and GlaDOS and the bodyguard followed. We enter the building and GlaDOS shows the receptionist his badge. We enter the elevator, and we go to the 5th floor, GnolTac's office. I had never personally met GnolTac, but I remembered her "Barack Hussein Osama: Psychotic Terrorist" tirade, although at the time I did not know she was joking.
She greets us, and we sit down. "GnolTac, what can you tell me about Dio?" I asked.
She sighs. "Well, he's a pretty cool guy, but I don't really know much about him. You could check with AgentChieftain though." I thank her, and we leave, returning to the elevator. AgentChieftain's office is all the way up on the 7th floor, and we slowly travel up in the glass elevator before getting out. His office is bigger than that of GnolTac, and he sits facing the window, looking down upon his nation. "Agent, Ruby's here." GlaDOS says, making a fist. He turns around in his chair and does the same. "Please sit down," he says, "now, what do you want to know?"
Part II coming soon!
Dio Brando: Part II
Now, let's continue from where we left off. I was about to speak with AgentChieftain, head of the Stardust Cruisers and president of Pakistan.
"I'm curious," I said, "What is that thing everyone does with their hands?
- "It's called a bro-fist. Some 17-year-old kid posted it a while back, and since then it's become a symbol of unity, mostly among Pakistanis and some Italians."
"All right then. So I'm curious, why does Dio do things as he does? What are his motivations?"
- "Pakistan is his motivation. Dio Brando is Pakistan, and Pakistan is Dio Brando. There really isn't anything else to this."
"Okay. So maybe you could tell me why he attacked all those other countries?"
- "Oh." AgentChieftain said. "This is a long story. Better get comfy in your chair for this one... Since our place of origin was a forum, the first thing we did when we joined was post-propaganda and praise of Dio on the forums. This upset lots of the original players. Siddy, who recently returned to preside over Argentina, was the one who broke the story that we were from 4chan. Edukator and Etweor, in particular, hated us, and are the reasons for our great dislike of Spain and Sweden (Respectively) that still lasts to this day."
"So that's why there he hates Sweden and Spain so much?"
- "Yes. In February, we had a quite cold war with Koroush, who was then President of Iran. After an Iranian by the name of Yahya shams posted hilarious articles about Koroush wearing a three piece bikini and hacking his computer, we began posting propaganda in the forums in the same manner, which built up tension between us. This ended with Dio tricking Koroush into promising never to attack Pakistan via a treaty. To this day, Koroush hates Dio and the Pakistani for making a fool out of him."
"How did he trick him?"
- "I'm not really sure. I'd check with Dio or Koroush, if either of them responds. Dio doesn't answer calls much, and Koroush might think you're with us and won't answer. Anyway, in April 2008, the war module was first implemented, and we were among the first and most enthusiastic to test it. We declared war on India. It was a real invasion at first, but I wrote an article falsely stating that the war was a merger and that the president agreed to it. Strangely enough, Illuminati, the real President of India, "confirmed" the article and told his army to retreat."
"I must say, this is really quite interesting. From the sound of it so far, Pakistan at least partially attained its position by cunning as well as war."
- "Well, I take that as a compliment. In May, Ivan Hat decided that he wanted to leave Pakistan for China. , as well as around 30 other Pakistani, followed him and later took over China, and then declared war on Pakistan. Of course, we won, although we weren't actually fighting another army. And that's about it for war."
"Thanks. But I guess the big question is, 'Why did he create Dioism and the Stardust Cruisers?"
- "The Stardust Crusaders are our party, which he created for us to play the game. He showed up on /v/ one day inviting us all to create our own country, and so we did. This was on November 29, 2007."
"Coming from the stars, you could say."
- "Yes, although I wouldn't. Since then, Dio Brando has served seven terms as president of the country, and the party has almost completely dominated every election since. Dio is currently leading the Theocrats in Switzerland in an effort to troll the hell out of Billy Bob Joe. One day in what I believe was February, Altnabla, without any warning wrote the first three chapters of The Book of Dio and posted them on the forums. The Admins didn't know how to react, and William Walker started writing more chapters. They eventually decided to delete The Book, but we kept reposting it. They then decided to put it on their new Wiki instead. In the process of debating how to keep it there, we created Dioism as the religion of Pakistan."
- "That would be /v/. More accurately, the face represents /v/ as a collective.
"And how did you hold it together when he died?"
- "Dio never died. The remainder of us gifted him and donated food to him on a daily basis to keep him alive."
"There's something really, well, nice, about that."
- "The fact that tuput is trying to take over France today is surreal (Tuput is the president of the far-right, authoritarian Parti de Sans-Cullotes, the party of missing Culots.) They're trying to pull a coup in a populated country, it just can't be the thought of something that thinks." He leans back into his chair pats a leather bound book on the table. "But anyways, you can note that the division between Pakistan and Sweden/Spain is what both alliances are existentially founded on."
I quickly took notes in my small pad, looking up every so often and nodding. "So who are his enemies, other than every PIG DISGUSTING capitalist?" I asked.
- "Well, I would probably say Koroush, Carradine, and Billy Bob Joe. Koroush got a permanent ban, but he came back as Aryamehr; the Wigs lifted the ban. I don't know how the hell it works, but I'm almost positive that the wigs cut deals with anyone who exploits a weakness in the game. I've seen an email sent to a suspected "hacker" that offered them amnesty; this isn't something you should dwell on, though. But it should be fun to ask Koroush about. The reason he was so angry with us was that Dio never signed it; this is what pissed him off. He was legally bound never to attack us, but we still had the ability to attack."
"Who are the wigs?" I asked.
- "The erepublik staff members who control the admin account."
- "The nickname comes from alexis bonte's flicker."
- "The wigs."
- "One time, during server maintenance, I decided to check their blog. On some of the older pages, I found a link to his flicker. After some erep photos, there were pics of a party with what I'm assuming were his friends, all wearing wigs and dancing."
I almost fell out of my seat laughing. I'd heard people refer to "the wigs", but I had no idea what they were talking about.
- "Also, George Lemnaru was in the pictures."
"Who?" I asked.
- "A Wig, basically. The other erep founder; we thought it was the whole team."
- "I put the link in alexis bonte's erep wiki biography"
"I'll need to look."
- "It's at http://www.flickr.com/photos/egrenouille/, and it's going to be all the way in the back."
"I'll look at it later."
- "Well, this was March. And I showed #/v/akistan, and hell broke loose. We posted like 50 articles about the pictures and "interviews" with Alexis about them, all of which were deleted. We still kept using the term, though, and they never did anything about it. Lots of the older members still call them wigs. And that's about it. I 'm afraid that you'll have to ask other people for the rest. If you like, I can try and arrange an interview with Dio for you."
"Sure." I say. He dials on the phone, and talked briefly.
- "Right, he's agreed to do it. But only in person. He's in Switzerland right now, celebrating his presidential win, so you might want to wait a few days."
"Okay, thanks for everything." I say.
- "You're welcome. I'll give you a call if I think of anything new."
"That would be great," I say, and walk out of his office.
- "Wait, he says. "Take this, it's the book of Dio," and hands me a hefty leather bound book, similar to the one on his desk.
"Thanks." I said and left. I am escorted back to the car, and GlaDOS rides back with me.
- "You find out everything you need know?" he asks.
"I found out a lot."
- "Where are you going next?" he asks.
"I don't know. Either to Sweden, Iran, or Switzerland."
- "Well, good luck," he says. "And take off that pink blazer when you get in the plane, you're going to blind the pilot."
I get out of the car and say my goodbyes, and enter the plane. As we taxi out, I make a bro fist and wave goodbye.
IF YOU DON'T POST THIS TO 5 BROS, THEN YOU AREN'T A BRO
Thanks for reading!
Dio Brando: Part III
Here we continue with Part III of the Dio story; enjoy!
|“ In ancient times, there was nothing but sand. Sand randomly evolving without time or space... ”|
My plane taxied down in the Northwestern Region in Iran, and I closed my book. Iran has been Pakistan's constant enemy since Dio tricked Koroush into signing a treaty that made Iran leave Pakistan alone while Pakistan could still attack Iran. I left the plain and took a taxi to apartment. Amirpatapon welcomed me in, and went into the kitchen to make coffee. "So," I asked, "What do you think about Dio?
- "Well, I think he's so funny and we missed him on erep till he back again." he says. "But he always curses Iranian as an illiterate person and his mistake is he never tries to know anyone by his heart or trust anyone because he thinks he is the greatest, the GOD."
"Yes, I've heard he never responds to PMs, he never goes on the IRC except to troll, and in the time that he has been back, I've rarely see him posting. I felt honored when he said he voted in the comments section of one of my articles. But Pakistan and Dioism really took a hit when he left."
- "He is well spoken man but he is not a trustworthy man, if he was, he would never left the game and Pakistan. He brought chaos to his empire. The real emperor never does this. Pakis say right they were more powerful than Iranian, but he ruined that power, now they are nothing to say against us. "
I find it interesting that Pakistan says they are strong while Iran is weak, and Iran says the opposite, but Amirpatapon is right. Pakistan had a socialist economy, they were one of the strongest nations in the world, and they were all united under a cunning leader. When Dio left, Pakistan fell apart, with the economy going first, although the Stardust cruisers did stay in power, and Dio's followers did a good job of keeping it together. An interesting fact is that Dio never died, since his followers gifted him daily to keep him alive.
I bid goodbye to Amirpatapon, and went to my next stop, Aryamehr. Aryamehr used to be named Koroush, and was Shah of Iran, but he was banned. The administrators later unbanned him, and he came back as Aryamehr. I arrive at his house, and pay the taxi driver my fare, then walk up to the large wooden door and knock. He opens it and welcomes me in, taking me over to a small table.
- "Now, I have read Part II of your article," he said, "which is only lies said by AgentChieftain. Iran started to arm and get ready a long time before I joined. Before I joined Iran was ran by people coming from 4chan.org (same people as those in Pakistan but instead from /b/ than /v/) and they both swore to kill each other and similar."
"So this fight rivalry between Pakistan and Iran comes from the fact that they both come from 4chan.org, but different parts of it (I should mention that 4chan.org now has a rule of no invasions to other sites like erepublik.)
- "Yes. When I took the power I happen to see comments, articles and such that these people wanted to war us. We found intelligence that they wanted to get rid of us, so I wrote an Iranian article about this to prove that they hated us a long time before I even got power in Iran . You can still see the links and images which are in English."
"So were you trying to prevent the war or trying to get it started?"
- "Either way, we were weak and new. When I took power we had only a couple active players. It was in our best interest to promote peace and establish some kind of non-aggression pact with Pakistan. Ever since November/December in their press releases in news articles they have been wanting war, Iran was the only country to wage war on (perhaps Russia too? can't remember) and Indonesia was too strong.
"So did you create a treaty?"
- "We knew that the chance of any pact happening is low, but we still gave it a try. Dio agreed and Platonic wrote the pact and we both agreed in PM. I signed it, because I am no liar nor someone who tries to play tricks and act like an unprofessional leader. During those times, Iran was getting stronger too. Dio made up excuses and tried to fool us by getting someone else to sign it for him, we, of course, started to think that something was fishy as Dio was online during this time sometimes (we had people looking at his profile every now and then). The main reason Dio and "Pakistan" did this was that they feared us (Iran was very strong and even if we would probably lose the war we would damage Pakistan pretty bad) and wanted to buy time and confuse us."
"So this is why you dislike Pakistan so much?"
- "I do not hate Pakistan, I hate 4channers. They threatened and attacked us with words from day one. These 4channers join these type of games in order to destroy it for others, that was nothing new to me as they had done it to places like Cybernations etc."
"And why were you banned?"
- My ban was a mistake, then later removed after they realized it."
"What about Dio? Has he ever been banned?"
- "Dio was banned three times temporary. Once in November, once in December and once in February, I believe. One of these times was insulting staff, another was attempting to cheat gold."
- He looked up at the clock on the wall. "I have an appointment, I'm afraid, but perhaps you could call me tomorrow? I have a few more things that I know."
"All right, that would be fine." He gave me his number and I left, calling another taxi. Amirpatapon had told me where to find a good hotel, so I got a room and got out my computer to start typing the article.
|“ In ancient times, there was nothing but sand. Sand randomly evolving without time or space... ”|
Dio Brando: Part IV
I'd like to apologize to my subscribers, since they have been getting five copies of the same article, but please hang in there for a little longer.
Also, I would like to dedicate this article to Amirpatapon, who recently left the game for the next 2-3 months for his tour with the army. On an unrelated note, I would also like to dedicate it to my friend Hy, who died yesterday.
Now, let's get back to the topic
The next morning I had packed up my bags and had breakfast in the hotel. Aryamehr has agreed to give me a ride to the airport, so I paid the clerk and walked out into the sweltering heat. Aryamehr arrived soon after, and we were on our way.
"I'm curious, Aryamehr, why did you change your name from Koroush to Aryamher?"
- "Well," he said, "I always wanted to change my name from Koroush to Aryamehr long time, but after the little incident of hacking & banning I made a new account just to browse around the forums etc and the name Aryamehr was used. At that time I decided that Aryamehr also became very known, and thus I also wanted to change it to Aryamehr before I decided why not keep it at Aryamehr?"
"So you're not trying to hide anything?" I said.
- He smiled. "I am not trying to hide that I am Koroush. People can call me both and I have even written about it in the wiki!"
I arrived a few hours later, and a limousine drove me to his office at the Weberian Bureaucracy Party's headquarters. I was then forced to wait in line for 3 hours even though no one was in line before I was finally admitted.
- "Welcome!" he said. "I'm sorry you had to wait so long, but the WBP has an image to keep up."
I told him that was fine, and I was going to begin the interview when he picked up a framed card.
- "My sons made this." he said. "I'm very proud of the man-children we've had together. These aren't faggy man-children like in the Case of Benjamin Button, these are children born as hardcore men ready for battle. They look, dress and act like the Spartan warriors in 300. But when they make you a drawing for father's day, it just brings a tear to your eye."
I was starting to see how this interview would be going. "Well, I'm curious what you think of Dio?"
- "Yes, Dio is awesome. He always makes his bed, cleans up after himself, and isn't afraid to take out the trash. He's a fairly good cook too. Plus he's always awesome."
"And what about your other husband?"
- "Skinke is actually pretty jealous. I don't know what Skinke's problem is. However, if you look more closely you will discover that Skinke and I aren't married, just engaged."
"I would think that being married to God would be a bit of a problem."
- "Well, I think when you're born a Man-God, you just know what to do. So he does what he does because he knows what to do."
"And what do you attribute to Dio's popularity?"
- "I think a large aspect of his popularity lies in the fact that he has a fanatic religion built around him, that's a pretty successful method in becoming popular"
"Well, thank you for letting me interview you, Grev."
- "Send me to the article when you post it"
"I will." So I got up and left his office, returning to my car and heading to a hotel that Grev Per had suggested. Unfortunately, it turned out to actually be a brothel, so the driver found me a new one, and I got to work typing everything up.
And that's it for part IV. I apologize for it being so short, but I didn't get several interviews I had planned on.