Who murdered Count Schauman
This article was originally published in a Newspaper.
|
This page contains fictional information. (What's this?) |
| Languages: |  |
 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Who murdered Count Schauman is a story written by Finnish writer Kammo22, whose stories have become very popular in Finland. In the story a detective Hercule Kammoirot investigates a murder of Finland's former president Erwin Schauman. All the characters in the story have a counterpart in Finnish community. Original story written in Finnish by Kammo22, English adaption by Engram. The story was published in Kammo22's newspaper Kammopaperi.
Who murdered Count Schauman?
Prologue
Wind blows in the corners of the castle, the only building on the island. Princess Medy climbed the stairs and knocked on the door of Count Schauman. No response. She walked into the room with her pink dress on. - "Erwin darlin', do you wan..." A scream covered the voices of the party kept in the dance hall.
Chapter 1
Detective Hercule Kammoirot walked slowly through the door, smoking his pipe.
”There are only four possible murderers in the whole crowd? Did I get it right?”
The butler of the castle, Jam Tzu answered: ”Yes. Only Lord Vihtori, Princess Medy, Democrat and... um... me, have got a chance to do... um... that.”
”Hmm... I'll do like any good detective. I'll interview all suspects one by one and finally discover the one who's guilty!”
”Really?!. Can you really do that? I mean... Not because I had something to hide. ehehe... Have you heard the joke of three bassists that...”
”Of course I can! I am the great detective Hercule Kammoirot. First I'll interview the one who saw him last time alive, and first time dead – meaning Princess Medy.
Chapter 2
Hercule Kammoirot walked through the dance hall. The crowd in front of him split in two when he stylishly walked, fingering his mustache and smoking his pipe.
Speech was heard in the crowd: ”Oh my! It's the Hercule Kammoirot himself!” ”I think I'll pass out! He's my idol!” ”Exactly, my Mike, inflation really gets worse all the time...”
Kammoirot stopped in front of young woman, who wore a pink dress with exposed neck line.
-"Are You Princess Medy?"
-" Yes... *crying* ...I am. Who asks?"
-"Ehrm...So you don't know who I am? Well, I'm the world famous detective Hercule Kammoirot."
-"Never heard..." -."Well, ehrm, It's not important. I'd like to ask you some questions. First: Is it true that you are the last person who saw Count Schauman alive? And first who saw him strangled?"
-"Yes. It's true...But I didn't do it! I...*crying* I loved him..."
-"WHAT! You what?"
-"Yes, it's true. I really loved him. But...but now he's gone...You have to find out who is murderer! You have to, Mr. Kammoirot!"
-"Don't worry girl. This case is almost solved. I'm so good detective that I even can find a needle in hay bale! But, the second question: Can you say who did this? Just say who you think it could be."
-"Ehrm... Let me think... I now! It must be that strange Lord Vihtori! He hates my dear Erwin... Oh poor Erwin..."
-"OK. Thank you Princess. You helped me a lot and as I said: Case is almost clear in my mind!"
-"Thank you so much!"
-"Well, bye then. And relax, I'll solve this case."
Chapter 3
Kammoirot climbed the stairs. Up there he met again the weird butler, Jam Tzu.
”Hey! What are you doing here?” Kammoirot asked. ”Oh, Mr. Kammoirot, I didn't expect you to come here. Do you want me to open the door of the Count's room ? All I did was closing the door. By the way, have you heard the joke of three bassists that...” ”Yes, just open the door now” Kammoirot shouted.
Jam Tzu opened the door. The sight behind was horrible. The Count lay on the floor as white as a sheet. An ancient chair had fallen on his right rib.
Suddenly Kammoirot noticed something on the ground. He picked up a piece of paper, from the ground, right next to the Count's left hand. When picking it up he also noticed that Schauman had a pen in his left hand.
Kammoirot check the piece of paper. There was written only a tiny and quickly written ”NO”.
”Hmm... I bet the Count didn't want to die...”
-"Wow! You are even better detective than I thought!" Clearly excited young butler shouted and admired the detective.
”It's so cold in here. But wait... the window is open!” Kammoirot noticed and shut the window after he carefully stepped over the dead body of Count Schauman. ”Well, thanks for your help, Mr. Tzu. Next I'll go interview another suspect. Lord Vihtori.”
Chapter 4
”Are you Lord Vihtori?” Kammoroit asked from large and aristocratic man. This looked small Kammoirot through his monocle and aswered:
”Of course, you should see it without asking! Who else is dressed this well?”
”Hmph... Well, I... But anyway, is it true that you talked with Count just a couple of minutes before his death ? And you clearly didn't have a good relationship.”
"Exactly! We were talking... well actually I kept a presentation of MYSELF, which lasted 1 ½ hours. I also told him about the seagulls that lives in the southern part of the island. Damned creatures...”
”May I interrupt...”
"Those should be shot! The southern part of the island should be conquered and those seagulls should be enslaved! If I was the owner of this castle, I would know how to...”
”STOP! To reality... How did your conversation end? Clearly badly”
”How the h*ll did you know that? Oh yeah, you're a detective... Yes, that boor Count couldn't bear to heat my memoir. I told him about how once in kinder garden we played the ”king-of-the-hill” and I conquered the hill and all other chil...”
-"Yes yes, of course. So he just walked away?”
”Exactly. That damn skunk just left... Turned his back to ME and climbed the stairs up. That Princess, or whatever wannabe royal, tried to calm him down, but after it the Count left for upstairs.
Chapter 5
Kammoirot left and left Lord Vihtori talking to himself. He lighted his pipe and took some punch. Kammoirot recalled the things in his mind and thought...
He had been celebrating the Count's birthday, like all the other elite of eFinland. After a short conversation with Count he went smoking his pipe to the door of the east parts of the castle. After it thing started to occur.
Medy's loud scream had shaken the windows of the castle. In the crowd, loud talking started and everybody stared at the Princess, which stood in the stairs. The butler of the castle hurried to the Princess. After a few minutes of talking, the butler had taken the Princess to the smaller dance hall's couch to calm down.
A rumor of Count's murder quickly spread in the crowd. After all this Kammoirot had decided to act. Although he had retired after the case of ”Karelia's commuter train”, a lust to solve the case fulfilled him. And this case he would solve. Kammoirot put his pipe out and went off to interview the next suspect, Democrat.
Chapter 6
Kammoirot's attention was captured by small, brown pieces on the floor. Pieces of dough...
- "Salty smell..."
Kammoirot though and put one piece in his pocket. He continued walking towards one badly dressed and dowdy looking man.
- "Excuse me. Aren't you God... I mean Democrat? I'd like to ask some questions concerning the Count's death.
-"Yes I am. Go on..."
- "I've got impression that you and Count weren't having a good relationship? Am I right?"
- "Indeed! I hated that capitalist! That damned iso sika (=big pig) deserved to die." There was fanatic shine in his eyes.
Do you mean Isosika?"
"NJET! Iso sika (=big pig), not Isosika."
"OK, I see."
- "Did you know that Lenin's IQ was 358?"
- "N-no. I have to admit that I didn't."
- "Me neither. I just wanted to spam in this conversation too."
After few minutes of talking Kammoirot left.
Chapter 7
Terrifying asphyxiated shout shook the castle. Kammoirot ran as fast as he could to the direction of the voice, it came from castle's gallery. Kammoirot was first one to get there. In front of him, on the ground lay well-known industry owner and businessman Ommi, who had blue face and was catching his breath.
- "*Gasp... gasp* Murder attempt! Murder attempt! I was looking for paintings when somebody crabbed my neck. I was near choking, luckily I managed to shout. But that man got away... *gasp*..."
After this other guests started flowing to the gallery to find out what that noise was about.
- "So you are sure it was a man? Did you see him?" Kammoirot asked.
- "N-no... but I smelled. His hands smelled salty. They were man's hands, I swear."
Kammoirot left and left Ommi to be treated by other guests. He was thinking about what he just heard. Salty smelling hands tried to choke Mr. Ommi.
Chapter 8
- "Is the case solved yet?" Young and weird butler asked hopefully.
- "Not yet. I have to interview one more suspect: You. How log have you been working for the Count?
- "Only few for weeks. My predecessor Kesper quit 'cause of Count's freaking. For example he only eats wheat bread, he fears bacterium to death and wants to sleep a money bag under his pillow... I mean, he wanted..."
Then something happened. Kammoirot noticed that he had just solved the crime.
- "Tell everybody to come to salon in five minutes. I have solved the case!"
Chapter 9
Kammoirot left people to wait on purpose for a few minutes. When he finally actually opened the salon's door, the butler was telling jokes to calm people down and was just about to quit.
- "... and then St. Peter said no that Norwegian nun: Penguins won't get here! *Laughter* Did you get it?"
Few bored snorts was heard from the crowd. Butler blushed a little bit. He was the first to notice Kammoirot arrival.
- "w00t! We've been waiting for you! Tell us, who is the murderer." He said very excitedly
- "Everything on time..." Kammoirot said and continued: - "Well... As I asked, all employees of the castle and all the guests are now here. As Mr. Tzu maybe has told to you: I have solved the case."
Enthusiastic speech started in the crowd.
- "Mr. Tzu, can you translate everything I'll say to Princess Medy now on? Thank you. In the beginning, I was given four suspects: Princess Medy, Lord Vihtori, Democrat and the butler Jam Tzu."
Kommoirot noticed the suspicious looks pointed at those four persons.
- "I interviewed all suspects. In the end, I came up with results which tell that no one of them isn't the murderer!" Kammoirot rose his voice dramatically and loud mumble filled the crowd.
- "Where is the murderer then? Has he got away?" Asked worried President Okkius.
- "The murderer is in this room!"
The mumble just got louder than earlier.
- "Exactly, the guilty is with us at the moment! Exactly behind that curtain! My nemesis..." Kammoirot shouted and pointed at long curtains that stretch to the floor. The murderer came out behind the curtain...
Chapter 10
"... ENGRAM !"
It really was the Minister of Internal Affairs of eFinland, Engram.He took couple of steps and the guests stepped away.
- "Yes ! It was me ! But how you knew ? The crime was meant to be perfect." There was hate in his his eyes...
- "It wasn't that hard in the end. I figured it out from three clues. First, Count's room's window was open. The old Count wouldn't kept the window open himself when the weather is so cold.
Kammoirot kept a little brake before he continued.
- "Let's assume that it all went like this: You, Engram, didn't come to the party and said you have business. Nevertheless, you got diving equipment from SK and used them to come to the island afterwards. You managed to climb to Count's office through its window, possibly using the spout."
Then you stocked there and waited for the Count- You forgot to close the window, which was your first mistake."
It was possible to see from Engram's face that Kammoirot was right.
- "You strangled the old, defenseless Count. But then we'll get to the next clue. Count Schauman managed to write two letters on a piece of paper before his death. If he wouldn't have died so quickly, he had continued writing. The word "NO" would have came "NOUSUKAS". ("nousukas" is finnish and means "upstart").
Engram cursed silently.
- "After this you hid to the gallery. From here we'll get to your last mistake: You knew that you couldn't show yourself in the castle and you knew that you would have to hide for hours. So you took something to eat to the castle with you. To be exact, a Finnish fish pasty from Kuopio's marketplace.
Engram took a ashamed look at the half eaten fish pasty in his hands.
- "I found pieces of rye dough from the ground. But when I talked to Mr. Tzu, he told that Count only ate bread made of wheat. The case was practically solved, when I combined all the clues in my mind to salty smelly hands that tried to choke him. The smell was from the fish pasty.
Mr. Scadens interrupted: - "But WHY? Why Engram killed Erwin? And why he tried to kill Ommi?"
- "I believe I know answer to this too, but maybe Engram can tell himself." Kammoirot replied and gave the Minister of Internal Affairs chance to speak.
At the beginning Engram seemed like he's not going to answer ever, but suddenly he started speaking with voice full of hate.
- "Because I LOVE Medy. Exactly! Was it a surprise? I tried to enchant her with my English skills, but no! COUNT Schauman or INDUSTRY TYCOON Ommi were better men. Doesn't the office of MINISTER OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS and language skill mean anything !?
Vice president nanton interrupted: - "So you decided to KILL your rival suitor ? Is that right?"
- "Well, as I'm a member of IKP it was first idea I came up with." Engram answered and sounded to be fed up with this, but he continued raging:
- "Medy said that I'm too young. TOO YOUNG! F*king hell, I my beard already grows! Can you be to young if you do!? CAN YOU!? NO, but don't say anything!" Insanity was possible to see on his face when he took his Q1 revolver from his pocket. The crowd was afraid. But then they calmed down when they saw that Engram put it under his own claw.
Kammoirot was the only one to stay calm all time.
- "IT'S OVER NOW! It's over now..." ... the minister shouted and pulled the trigger...
Chapter 11
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
- "What... ?"
Surprise shone from Engram's face. Then he felt two pistols pointing at his back. He turned around and saw two armed young ladies, one blond and one brunette.
- "They are members of LESPO's special strike team, Ulrika and Tatjana. I called them with my pipe phone and told them to come here a few minutes ago. LESPO is always ready."
Then something happened. Princess Medy, who had had been listening to Mr. Tzu's translation during thie act, stood up, and walked in front of Engram and slapped him to the face with his palm.
Then the minister of internal affairs fell apart...
- "Take me away..." He said to those two who arrested him.
Epilogue
When Engram was taken away, the guests started asking:
- "Is he truly your nemesis?" - "How did you seem to know that the gun wouldn't work?" - "Does the inflation really grow all the time?"
Kammoirot fingered his moustasch and answered:
- "No, he's not my nemesis. Just some wanna-be-president. And when he took his gun, I saw the "Made in eSweden" -mark on it. That meant it wouldn't work. And Mika, the inflation really grows all the time..."
Kammoirot turned around and started walking towards the salon's door. Last question still stopped him:
- "How did you know that he was behind the curtain?"
Kammoirot stopped, turned around and winked his eye to the crowd:
- "It was easy. I saw his ankle behind the curtain!"
