EMERICKA
This article was originally published in a Newspaper.
The Story of Emerick's Ascension to God Status
On December 17th, 2009, Emerick began his quest to the heavens to gain his rightful place of eGod, next to Dio himself.
(Crafted and told by the S.E.E.S. team)
The First Trial
From Max McFarland 2's Article Attack on /v/akistan
So it was that upon becoming aware of these events, I decided that the time had come for action. I rallied to my side certain allies of Emerick, such as Seal Team Six, the Great Ape, the S.E.E.S., the Prophet, some US Senators who were rather bored, and a random assortment of other mercenaries. But, not Chisholm, because he was too busy being a pansy nancy-boy who followed orders. I then called upon my dear friend and ancient enemy of Pakistan, Big Brother, to join us in battle. I also invited Laya, because she is a p cool tank. Together, we made plans to strike a blow against AgentChieftain and recover the body of Emerick, amongst other things.
So it was that last Saturday, in order to recover the body of Emerick, I gathered by allies and left the nation for a day, forsaking over a dozen active endorsements for USA Country President. The cost was high, but worth it. We had intelligence that AgentChieftain was resting in Marmara, on his way from Nigeria to Greece, with the body of Emerick in tow. The moment would soon pass; the time had come for action!
We launched a surprise attack upon AgentChieftain, Supreme Priest of Dio, and his guards, striking them unawares! Big Brother moved immediately to assault AgentChieftain, reminding him bitterly of their last conflict, when Big Brother impeached AgentChieftain. No surprise who lost both times.
Meanwhile, the S.E.E.S. first blessed the assembled mercenaries and led them in the making of Manly Insults, then our mighty force struck such a blow against the Pakistanis that the aftershocks toppled their flagpole, returning Marmara to Turkey. In the confusion of battle, I was able to secure Emerick's body and bring it back to the USA. Meanwhile, a crack team of Seals were able to steal some Pakistani government documents from AgentChieftain's luggage. From what I understand, AgentChieftain fled to Punjab following the battle.
The Pakistani Special Forces quickly deployed to the aid of AgentChieftain, but alas, they are no longer the exceptionally large and capable military force they were when once they stood alongside us against the Canadians. Instead, in their current befuddled state, they simply attacked Turkey by mistake. The Great Ape, a renowned philanthropist, attempted to assist Turkey with the aid of Seal Team Six, but unfortunately the Turks and Pakis kept chasing each other in circles until they tired everyone out, leaving part of Turkey in Pakistani hands and allowing India and Serbia to conquer Pakistan while the Pakistani Special Forces were distracted. How sad. This would never have happened if Dio were present to guide them. Perhaps one day Dio will return? Perhaps, better yet, our own God shall rise, Emerick of Emerika, to replace Dio, unifying the people as has not happened since the Can-Am War?
Meanwhile, after the battle, King Kitty and I re-convened for a quick review of those government documents, specifically, medical records for Dio Brando. You see, about two weeks ago Josh and I decided the world could use some house-cleaning of defunct Gods. Specifically, Dio. So, Josh snuck into Dio's tent and slipped some slow-acting poison into his curry; Dio has been starving to death ever since. While we were at it, we figured he might as well poison Michael Lewis too. We are happy to report that they each have two feet in the grave, with an eye toward diving in. Will anyone save them? You can treat the symptoms daily, but the poison will never leave their systems.
As for Emerick, I then immediately moved him to a safe place, in preparation for the next phase of my plan. Do not bother searching for him, I have hidden him where you may never find him, deep within Xenia, Ohio. If you are unfamiliar with Xenia, Ohio, watch the movie Gummo. Be warned; you will leave dazed and confused wondering how exactly you lost that span of your life. I might also be lying about Xenia, but he is in Ohio. Also, the clones. I have stocked the state with Emerick clones, so that only I know where to find the real Emerick. You don't remember the clones? I mentioned them above. Emerick did once fight for Indonesia, after all, and as we all know they have quite the advanced cloning program.
I sent a demand to President Jewitt for the immediate erection of a defense system, to defend the comatose body of Emerick. I demanded a mighty Q5 Fortress,, or at least a low-standing Q1 Picket Fence. I even offered to pay for it. Sadly, I have responded no response other than some teasing from Vice President PigInZen. I await their compliance with my demands.
The way forward is simple. I will keep feeding Emerick his daily dose of poison. Sadly, some underground resistance members are actually feeding him food. I kindly ask them to stop. Anyone who truly loves Emerick will let him die. The man must die before God may rise.
The Sacrifice of Dan Wang
After the recovery of Emerick's body, the still beating heart of the pure virgin fgt is needed. After a few posts, it became clear that Dan Wang was the necessary sacrifice...
The Sacrifice of Dan Wang |
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Day one, 189 19:37 *** Dan_Wang joined #SEES 19:37 Dan_Wang I heard I was wanted here/ 19:37 Dan_Wang ? 19:37 GF THE SOUL OF GREAT SHALL BE FED 19:38 Alfred-Ball Lol 19:38 *** TheReverendSeanV joined #SEES 19:38 JP SACRIFICE 19:38 Tom_McDougal YESSSSSSSS 19:38 Qubert VISIONS OF GREATNESS ARE COMING TO ME 19:38 *** GoalieBCSC joined #SEES 19:38 Tom_McDougal DAN WANG you are awesome 19:38 Alfred-Ball Since when did going public mean having bad trolls? 19:38 Krems-sensei DAN WANG 19:38 Krems-sensei Alfred-Ball: it is simple to explain 19:38 Tom_McDougal I'll let krems explain why you are here 19:38 Tom_McDougal or I will 19:38 Alfred-Ball LOL 19:38 Alfred-Ball f*** you 19:39 Krems-sensei OK Dan 19:39 Dan_Wang One question: what did I do that led me to get the Flufferton prize for the funniest / most entertaining troll of the week? 19:39 *** Woxafk is now known as Woxan 19:39 Tom_McDougal Your here to to help bring about Emerick's accession to Godhood 19:39 Krems-sensei He needs your heart 19:39 Krems-sensei kthnx 19:39 Tom_McDougal by being a willing sacrifice you yourself will become demi-god 19:39 Dan_Wang Heart? Am I supposed to have one? 19:39 Tom_McDougal you hid successfully from us 19:39 Qubert dan wang STFU 19:40 Krems-sensei Emerick demands the blood of an Idiot 19:40 Qubert be quiet while you're initiated 19:40 Krems-sensei only the Greatest sacrifice will do 19:40 *** Syrup quit (Quit: ChatZilla 0.9.86 [Firefox 3.5.7/20091221164558]) 19:40 DisDick o shit dan wang 19:40 Tom_McDougal will you willingly sacrifice yourself? 19:41 Qubert Who will Wieald the EMERICK SACRIFICIAL SABER? 19:41 Tom_McDougal or do we have to do this by force? 19:41 Dan_Wang Errr... what does this exactly entail? 19:41 DisDick your death 19:41 Qubert SIMPLE ANSWER YES OR NO 19:41 Tom_McDougal well 19:41 Tom_McDougal we will take your heart 19:41 Tom_McDougal you'll die 19:41 Qubert or DEATH 19:41 Qubert which will happen whether you like it or not 19:41 Tom_McDougal then rise up from the dead if Emerick feels your worthy 19:41 Tom_McDougal if you cooperate that is 19:41 Krems-sensei also we would like any monies you have in game 19:42 Tom_McDougal if you don't 19:42 Tom_McDougal well 19:42 Dan_Wang So can I still function as an eBeing if I'm a demi-god? 19:42 Krems-sensei kinda 19:42 Tom_McDougal Emerick will be pissed 19:42 Tom_McDougal yea 19:42 Krems-sensei you'll be banned from the forums but that's cool with you right? 19:42 Dan_Wang Hmmm... that's a tough one. 19:42 Tom_McDougal when he is angry he RAGES like no one else 19:42 Tom_McDougal but you can make a new name like DEMIGODDAN 19:42 Tom_McDougal etc 19:43 Tom_McDougal and you would have an honored place in the church of EMERICKA 19:43 Krems-sensei also you'd continue to be a fgt 19:43 Qubert yes you fgt 19:43 Krems-sensei so really gain little 19:44 Dan_Wang But I'd be banned from the forums? Interesting... 19:44 Tom_McDougal but you could create a new account with no fear of further bans 19:45 Krems-sensei so really we win either way 19:45 Dan_Wang Yeah, but it's a bunch of posts that would go down the drain... 19:45 Tom_McDougal no 19:45 Tom_McDougal they would stay 19:45 Dan_Wang ? 19:45 Tom_McDougal After The GREAT ONE was banned his posts remained 19:46 Krems-sensei this is true 19:46 Tom_McDougal you'll lose your post count sure 19:46 Tom_McDougal but that's just a number 19:46 Krems-sensei and it is written that Emerick was once banned but came back 19:46 *** GF is now known as GF|Sleep 19:46 Qubert hell yes 19:46 Tom_McDougal you would just be fulfilling the prophecy 19:46 Qubert DAN_WANG this will happen whether you like it or not 19:46 GF|Sleep IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY. 19:47 Dan_Wang Or would my spirit (AKA post count) be channelled into my new account like in Avatar? 19:47 Tom_McDougal nope 19:47 Tom_McDougal that cant happen 19:47 GF|Sleep Lets just hurry up and sacrifice him. 19:47 Krems-sensei only if you promise to LURK MOAR 19:47 *** Michael_Porter_ joined #SEES 19:47 Krems-sensei agreed 19:47 Qubert Dan_wang would cease to exist 19:47 Krems-sensei how does one sacrifice someone over IRC? 19:47 Krems-sensei public ridicule? 19:47 GF|Sleep Have you seen the Matrix? 19:47 GF|Sleep Yeah, like that. 19:48 Dan_Wang What about my eRepublik account? 19:48 Tom_McDougal takes out an unnecessarily large sacrificing knife 19:48 GF|Sleep IF YOU DIE IN THE GAME YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE 19:48 *** Tormod joined #SEES 19:48 Qubert holds the ceremonial EMERICK saber 19:48 Matthew_Smith the /me command? 19:48 *** slim_pikins joined #SEES 19:48 *** walnutz joined #SEES 19:48 rainysunday prepares the altar 19:48 walnutz wtf is this 19:48 Krems-sensei sodomizes Dan_Wang for Amurica 19:48 *** K_Swoosh joined #SEES 19:48 Tom_McDougal Lfts the knife and proceeds to cut out Dan Wang's heart 19:48 Krems-sensei just thought I'd get that in first >_> 19:48 Qubert read the Condemends last RIGHTS 19:48 *** chesehead_ joined #SEES 19:48 Julius_Rodvigo extra extra get your soda for the ceremony 19:48 Tom_McDougal UGGA CHUGGA 19:48 GF|Sleep chants 19:48 Tom_McDougal UGGA CHUGGA 19:48 Tom_McDougal UGGA CHUGGA \ 19:48 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:48 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Krems-sensei OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 19:49 Tom_McDougal UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Tom_McDougal UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Tom_McDougal UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Qubert UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang In order to register on the US forums (even as a demigod), you need to link to your eRep account. However, isn't it true that only one account can be linked to the same eRep profile? 19:49 Krems-sensei UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 GF|Sleep UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Qubert HOLD THE SABER HIGH 19:49 Krems-sensei UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Matthew_Smith UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Krems-sensei sodomizes Dan_Wang for Amurica 19:49 Tom_McDougal holds Dan Wang's heart aloft 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Tom_McDougal LALALALALALALLALALALAAA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Dan_Wang UGGA CHUGGA 19:49 Krems-sensei .k Dan_Wang 19:49 *** Dan_Wang was kicked by TheRockSays (Requested) 19:49 Krems-sensei TIS DONE 19:49 GF|Sleep HEIL EMERICK 19:49 *** Dan_Wang joined #SEES 19:49 Krems-sensei HEIL EMERICK 19:49 Dan_Wang what I'd miss? 19:49 Matthew_Smith HEIL EMERICK 19:49 Qubert omg ALL HAIL EMERICK 19:49 Krems-sensei HE IS RISEN AGAIN 19:49 Tom_McDougal GREAT SUCCESS ALL HAIL EMERICK 19:49 Krems-sensei THROUGH THE POWER OF EMERICK 19:50 Julius_Rodvigo HEIL EMERICK 19:50 Krems-sensei IT IS A MIRACLE 19:50 GF|Sleep ZOMBIE WANG 19:50 Dan_Wang And on the off chance this doesn't work? 19:50 Qubert EMERICK IS THE ETERNAL SUN 19:50 Tom_McDougal bows before Dan WAng 19:50 walnutz tits 19:50 Tom_McDougal it is done 19:50 Krems-sensei rainysunday raises a fair point 19:50 Qubert bows in honor to the wang 19:50 Krems-sensei you must be baptised in the blood and semen of Emerick 19:50 Dan_Wang Oh god. 19:50 Tom_McDougal we will be talking to the proper people in the forums on the morrow 19:50 Krems-sensei rainysunday will, as CD, provide the semen 19:51 GF|Sleep You lucky lucky bastard 19:51 *** MylesRobinson joined #SEES 19:51 Tom_McDougal oh man 19:51 Tom_McDougal I wish I was you dan 19:51 Qubert dan you are my hero 19:51 Krems-sensei anyone got any great blood? 19:51 GF|Sleep You really are the chosen one 19:51 *** Uncon1 joined #SEES 19:51 Qubert dude I just came 19:51 Tom_McDougal I have a tiny vial I wear around my neck 19:51 *** PigInZen|AFK joined #SEES 19:51 Tom_McDougal he gave it to me after I was banned 19:51 Krems-sensei now is a good time to use it 19:52 Qubert Shall we take this great of greatest NEWS public? 19:52 JP I have logged this chat 19:52 JP so we shall 19:52 Krems-sensei excellent 19:52 Tom_McDougal an article will be forthcoming 19:52 Qubert Shall we Announce His greatness ARRIVAL? 19:52 Krems-sensei wipes Dan_Wang's foreskin with emerick's blood 19:52 PigInZen|AFK Dan == martyr 19:52 walnutz are you guys a colt? 19:52 Krems-sensei as such you have ceremoniously taken Emerick's virginity 19:52 *** Julius_Rodvigo quit (Quit: Julius_Rodvigo) 19:53 Krems-sensei only metaphorically ofc 19:53 Qubert walnutz his MAJESTY says STFU 19:53 Krems-sensei emerick will always be a virgin 19:53 Krems-sensei takes semen from rainysunday 19:53 PigInZen|AFK XD 19:53 Krems-sensei wipes semen on Dan_Wang's lips 19:53 Krems-sensei and now you have officially tasted greatness 19:53 Krems-sensei go forth and LURK MOAR 19:53 Krems-sensei /ceremony? 19:54 GF|Sleep HEIL EMERICK 19:54 Krems-sensei or can we chant some more? 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 Qubert Inspects this new BODY OF GREATNESS 19:54 Krems-sensei \o 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal HEIL EMERICK 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 JP .k Dan_wang YOUR SACRIFICE HAS BEEN DEEMED WORTHY, ALL HEIL EMERICK 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 Qubert o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 Qubert o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 DisDick o/ 19:54 Matthew_Smith o/ 19:54 Matthew_Smith o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 DisDick o/ 19:54 Qubert o/ 19:54 *** Dan_Wang was kicked by TheRockSays (YOUR SACRIFICE HAS BEEN DEEMED WORTHY, ALL HEIL EMERICK) 19:54 Matthew_Smith o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 DisDick o/ 19:54 Krems-sensei the chanting was homo-erotic 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 TheReverendSeanV o/? 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 rainysunday o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 GF|Sleep o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal I came 19:54 Matthew_Smith o/ 19:54 Tom_McDougal gj guys 19:54 GF|Sleep Twice 19:54 Qubert omg tantric 19:54 Tom_McDougal one of our demands has been met </font> |