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Portrait of the Citizen as a Young Ostrich
|This section contains fictional information. (What's this?)|
- About Citizen Phoenix Quinn
Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was an emu coming down along the path in the bush and this emu that was coming down along the path met a nicens little ostrich chick named baby Phoenix:
As he grew older, the little ostrich began to realize that he was not like the other young struthioniformes who spent all of their time running around the bush playing two-toe ball with silly zebras, and eating bugs. Instead he devoured the classics like: 'To Kill an Elephant Bird', 'You Can't Go Back Into the Egg Again' and 'Ostrich Run' and pined for a life far away from the heat and dullness of Africa... someplace where an ostrich could achieve his full potential.
One fine day his older brother Anakim had smelled a lion so naturally the whole family were keeping their heads to the ground and pretending to be mounds of dirt. Unfortunately this did not fool the evil creature who moved in closer and closer. Just as Phoenix and Anakim were about to leap up and deliver some righteous ostrich-ninja kicks to the beastie a horrible loud crack sounded and the lion crumbled into a heap.
Phoenix looked up and saw what appeared to be a group of pale hairless apes, covered in the thin skins of some kind of creature and also wearing bowls on their heads. They were carrying long sticks and were laughing and jumping up and down the way that chimps do when they are excited.
Later on Phoenix learned that these amazing creatures were called "men" or "who-men". At the time, he was simply amazed at how the little gang of monkeys had managed to stop a lion without even having to kick it, so he waddled over to give them a good sniff and see if maybe he could get a couple of bananas off of them. The next thing he knew, Phoenix had been transported to a New World!
Dazed and confused, the young ostrich awakened inside an electronic enclosure that just seemed like witchcraft to him. An ethereal hairless ape kept trying to squawk at him, but Phoenix didn't understand the wizard's monkey-like gibberish, so he ignored him. Everything was shiny and new, if a bit two-dimensional, and it all smelled rather antiseptic compared to the veldt back home. Nevertheless, Phoenix set about exploring his new environment. Soon he came across two buttons, one marked "Work" and the other one marked "Train". Thinking maybe these would produce some delicious grass or tasty bugs, he pressed them both. Afterwards he didn't feel very well, but at least the machine rewarded him with a few pellets of something that smelled sort of like food.
Things went on like that for several days. A few real-life humans started to stop by the enclosure. Eventually he began to understand some of their strange language. But whenever he would give a pleasant loud squawk in the beautiful Ostrich language to greet to them, they would start chanting "Reedy foroom" or "Doo-dee Eye Are See", which didn't make any sense to poor, lost Phoenix.
One fine day a pleasant young fellow spent some extra time with Phoenix, slowly enunciating some of the human words and explaining how it is that humans can fight and never die, yet they could starve to death. His name was Dr. Quinn. Phoenix was so pleased that he decided he wanted to be like Dr. Quinn some day, and so he decided to call himself Phoneix Quinn.