User:John F Baker/Bobloism/The Holy Spamible
This, is the holy compilation of the two holy texts of Bobloism, where the Holy Boble describes the creation of the eUniverse (the spamesis) and the teachings of Bob Boblo. It is, and for ever will be, in the making, until the day that the internet doth explodeth. Eth. This text is of righteous birth of Bob Boblo's House.
The Pope of the Spamican, the high office of the Church of Boblo, has a seal used only by him or her:
THE HOLY BOBLE
In the beginning, there was nowt.
It was okay, for a while, but then the Great Lord said "Let there be Spam!", because He grew tired of having nothing to do on a Saturday night.
The planets and the stars were born, and they were quite good, and so Bob put His feet up and had some Newkie Brown. Now slightly inebriated, Bob decided to bring some excitement to the world. He sculpted the Earth with His bare hands, from the high mountains in Asia to the vast plains in the Americas, the Earth's land took it's shape.
At this point, Bob realised He needed a place for His people to settle and prosper, and so He made some flat-peaked mountains near Europe. There was no sea at this point, of course, because then His hands would have got wet.
He looked at the new sculpture and was happy - so happy that He created man so that people could appreciated it. He summoned some of the purest Spam and made Taytaz, Deputy Ruler of the Entire Universe, whom He instructed to create the great race of Spam upon His world.
Taytaz was left to do this. He decided that Bob was perfect and so created the first man, Belquer, in his image. Tatyaz blessed his soul with a single piece of Spam. He said unto Belquer the holy Boblo's Prayer; which awoke him from his slumber.
Belquer opened his eyes and looked upon the new great land, and was overwhelmed with it's new beauty. Taytaz said unto him: "You are to be the King of this land, o' Belquer, and look over your people."
Belquer realised that the land was devoid of life and replied: "But where are my people?"
Taytaz, realising there were no people, created Nelsaidi, Queen of Spam, also in Bob's image, and blessed his soul with Spam. He taught them both the ways of creation and entrusted Belquer and Nelsaidi to create the new people.
Taytaz then decided there were to be more lessers, the animals. These were not made in Bob's image, for they were too minor. Millions of animals were created. Birds, fish, mammals and frogs. Taytaz blessed all but the frogs with Spam, for the frogs were untrustworthy and evil.
The frogs did not like the new world and decided to leave Bob's great land over to the land of France, where they dwelled without law or Boblo.
Taytaz looked upon the world and decided that it was too barren. There were humans and animals, but there was no colour or wilderness. He decided to make great canyons for protection and to allow water to flow freely, lakes to hold fish and for people to swim, great seas to seperate the lands, and bountiful forests. Taytaz's greatest work was the forests.
The frogs were now thriving in their evil land and preparing to invade Bob's land to destroy it's beauty. Just as they were on their way to the blessed land, Taytaz flooded the canyon inbetween the land and connected the Atlantic and North seas, seperating the evil French from Boblo's land.
Bob's land was now isolated, and so Taytaz could continue with his work in peace, for the frogs were too lazy to swim that far.
Bob returned to the land to see that Taytaz had finished His work. Bob was pleased, and purified Taytaz's soul so that he could join him in divinity. Bob realised that He still needed a messenger upon His world to keep the people safe and wise and so He created Rastari, the Great Prophet, from himself.
The Great Bump
Only months after the appeasement of the Spametariat and the creation of thy lord, the God-Emperor Bob Boblo's land of spam, many of his original words had been drowned and locked by a great and terrible power; an anti god, know only as the Shadow. Legend tells of such a time when the good and honest people of the Spametariat were at ease, with no dangers bearing down upon them. To common mortals it was known as Beta, and while it was safe in those times, an infection played upon the mechanics of the worlds. And infection known as Plato, son of Caesar.
However, this text does digest. Many months passed and many new threads were born, spammed but then locked by the terrible shadow. This continued, until an unknown saviour joined the forums. He fought the minions of darkness and shadow to the last pages of Bob Boblo's land, and his awesomeness and courage and bravery of his deeds reignited activity in those yonder threads. As the first replies bellowed and lit up the darkness, the terrible Shadow did scream a terrible scream, which drowned out the sound of spam for only a second. And then did come forth thy eldest of threads, light shone upon it through forces unbeknown to the likes of mortal spammers.
And so, the unknown noob returned to the surface of the first page in Bob's house, and fell asleep for two forum days. As he awoke, he found himself in a temple wrought from .php code alone, and so was the beginning of the Brotherhood of the Great Bump.
OLD SPAMICAN WORD
In Emperor Boblo's esteemed wisdom, he had a vision, a portent, a prophecy if you will. It came to him in a toad-induced hallucination.
In the month of new beginnings,
A new force will rise.
But, alas, it will not be honest,
But under a cunning guise...
In the month of shortened time,
A reign will also end quick.
A dire leader cannot last long,
Especially if he is a prick...
In the month of blossoming spring
Three old heroes will be forced to go
Into exile. Into the darkness.
And into desolation row...
In the month of fools and jesters,
The biggest trick of them all,
Will ascend the modern Loki,
But set Heimdall up for a fall...
In the month of great fertility,
By fruit we must discern,
Which allies shall defend us
And which of them will turn...
In the month of the honeysuckle,
Old enemies will befriend,
But far from the intention,
Pain is all that will descend...
In the month of the great general,
His prophets will give their sermon,
But we should remain ignorant,
While the future is ours to determine...
In the month of the false emerald,
Wealth will be our bane
As the greedy must make their choice
Gold, or, wheat and grain....
In the month of the fallen rebel,
Fireworks of great dissent,
Will show their face once more
Much to the sinner's lament...
In the month of naked trees,
Towns will be painted red,
But the hero will be nowhere in sight
And the honour will go to his stead...
In the month of distant memories,
A foregone battle will embark.
Keep your enemies closest;
A traitor shall leave his mark...
In the month of the Holy birth,
The four horseman shall arrive,
But they are but imposters.
With courage, we will survive...
Boblo got up in the afternoon, saddled Meghan,but the Admin was very angry that he had spammed the forum so when he went the mod of the Admin stood in the road to oppose him. Boblo was riding Meghan, and his two servants Rastari and Digby were with him. When Meghan saw the Mod of the Admin standing in the road with a drawn banhammer in his hand, she turned off the road into a field. Boblo beat her to get her back on the road.
Then the mod of the Admin stood in a narrow path between two vineyards, with walls on both sides. When Meghan saw the mod of the Admin, she pressed close to the wall, crushing Boblo's foot against it. So he beat her again.
Then the mod of the Admin moved on ahead and stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn, either to the right or to the left. When Meghan saw the mod of the Admin, she lay down under Boblo, and he was angry and beat her with his staff. Then the Admin opened Meghans mouth, and she said to Boblo, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?" Boblo answered Meghan, "You have made a fool of me! If I had my mod banhammer in my hand, I would BAN you right now."
"There is no God but God, and Logamac is his Profit"
This key quotation underlines the fundamental believes of Bobloism. It of course takes upon the praising on the Lord god Bob boblo and yet it has a deeper and much more thought provoking meaning to it, one that must be understood by Bobloists before they can properly understand the faith. It takes upon the example of logamac, a caricature to many yet as much a product of Spamican society as our glorious pope. Logamac was one who broke down all the traditional and norm values that society had presented him with and forged his own path and destiny. Whilst essentially a blubbering madman, logamac is a hidden genius and that genius is what powers the faith of Bobloists. The way he stuck out from the norm and progressed on his own path whilst directly challenging the establishment is an inspiration to us all. He was correct in his predictions of the then leader malta_1990 and his attempts to destroy democracy on mainland Europe. Following the seizure of Czech assets (although later returned) led logamac to offer his services to the fallen nation.
However, the purpose of this passage is not to celebrate the achievements of logamac. It is to highlight the fundamental importance of being free spirited and rebellious and taking your own unique stance on issues that matter greatly to you. The way that Bobloists can achieve this is by realising a torrent of spam that is witty, inventive and full of praise for Bob Boblo. For those that take the common route, such as the worship of the false idol Dio often have a more mundane and average life, whilst those that embrace the Bobloist spirit have a whole gateway of opportunity opened up for them.
"Butter is the Opium of the Masses"
This quote is essential to understanding how the enemies of Boblo keep the general population under their thumb and oppressed. The line suggests how the dictators that control our society do so by using every day objects to placate the people and make them mundane however satisfied. This way there is no organised rebellion, no dissension and certainly no spam, a concept that revolves around freedom of speech and individuality. However, the success they enjoy through this will also be their downfall. If there is no alternative to 'the butter scenario' then the general public will be complacent and be gullible enough to follow the words of the heretic Dio. This is where the holy church of Boblo can step in, by providing an alternative. The promise of spam and the right to individual creativity opens a whole pandoras box that challenges the way society is run and could potentially be used in the glorious spamican uprising where the admins will be overthrown and organised chaos in the form of the Bobloist Church will rise victorious over the pathetic other deities.
The Spamican Prayer
Our Father in BBH,
Boblo be thy name.
Your Forum come,
Spam will be done,
in Regional as in General
Post us this day our daily Spam.
And forgive us our failed posts ,
as we forgive those who fail against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from Shadow.
For the Forum, the Threads and the Spam are yours.
Now and for ever. BOBMEN!
Saint Meghan's Psalm
SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER
WHEN YOU SEE THE BLACK WHALE
BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS, MEN!
IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL
THIS IVORY LEG IS WHAT PROPELS ME
HARPOONS THRUST IN THE SKY
AIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS CROOKED BROW
AND LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EEEEYE!!!!
And Horice P Fossil did say:
There once was a guy called Bob
Spamming the forums is his job
When finally he's caught by the mob
All BBH members will sob
And Caoimhin MacFie did say:
There once was a man named Tom Nutt
Who seemed to be in quite a rut
He asked Boblo the Great
why the world's full of hate
and Bob said "Shadow's a butt.”
And RyanMcCulloch did say:
Shadow's a butt,
Shadow's a butt,
Shadow's a butt,
Shadow's a butt, butt, butt.
And candyman82 did say:
Oh holy Bob
I cannot write good poetry
So I use free verse
Is for those of us
"If your hand causes you to post fail, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into BBH maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched."
As the great Boblo once said:
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."
And yea Boblo sat at the roadside and spoke these words of wisdom:
"A quarrelsome Moderator is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping his/her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands."
"It is more blessed to post Spam and receive a warning than to sit on thy hands and not post !"
"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the BBH"
NEW SPAMICAN WORD
When he arrived at the other side in the region of the Londerners, two rules-possessed men coming from the interwebs met him. They were so violent that no one could post that way. "What do you want with us, Son of Spam?" they shouted. "Have you come here to Spam us before the appointed time?"
Some distance from them a large herd of nerds was feeding. They begged Boblo, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of nerds." He said to them, "Go!" So they came out and went into the nerds, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water.
Those tending the nerds ran off, went into the town and reported all this, including what had happened to the rules-possessed men. Then the whole town went out to meet Boblo. And when they saw him, they pleaded with him to leave their region.
"The people of the forum whined and complained that the Admin and mods did unfairly use the banhammer in many threads. The Boblo heard this and said tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have BBH to spam. Tell them, 'The Boblo has heard your whining and complaints: "If only we had more forums to spam! Surely we were better off in beta!" Now the Boblo will give you BBH, and you will have to spam it. And it won't be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will spam it for a whole year until you gag and are sick of it,then you shall spread the word to the unbelievers and smite the Admin and turn the banhammers upon the moderators"
Then the Admin said unto Rastari, “Thus shall you say to Boblo, ‘The Admin desires no setup-price except a hundred foreskins of the Dio worshippers, that he may wear a helm of the moderators enemies own.’
And when his disciple Rastari told Boblo these words, it pleased Boblo well to be the creator of BBH. Before the time had expired, Boblo arose and went, along with his men, and skinned two hundred of the Dio worshippers. And Boblo brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the Admin, that he might become the creator oh BBH. And the Admin gave him his own house so he may spread the word and spam.
"If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom."
From there Boblo went up to Wales. As he was walking along the road some regional moderators came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you Spammer!" they said. "Go on up, you Spammer!" He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of Spam. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the welsh moderators.
The Road to Spamascus
Indiekid was on the road to Spamascus and was pondering the philosophy of life. He had once been associated with Bobloism and the movement founded around Bob Boblo, but once Bob Boblo had vanished he had lost his faith and turned to the book of dio for salvation. He had even recently joined the ranks of the Keershirts an gone around fighting those who had spammed in the name of Boblo, and he was committed in his actions.
As he trundled through the desert and along the dusty highway, all of a sudden there was a blinding light. He found himself submerged in a sandstorm and there was no way out. He saw through the darkness a sculpture of Dio, carved out of sand had appeared before him. He fell to his knees and praised his Lord, unaware of what was about to happen. At that moment, Bob Boblo appeared at the side of the sand statue and knocked it over.
"Look at yourself", he told IndieKid. "You are worshipping a pathetic sand idol that I can decimate with a simple push. However I am very much real, and I will be your salvation." A portal of light opened and IndieKid made towards it before he faltered. He remembered the scriptic passages from his days of carefully studying the spambible. '"If your hand causes you to post fail, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into BBH maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched."' Indiekid obliged and sliced off his hands, leaving the blood to seep into the sand. Bob Boblo smiled and held out his hands. He grasped IndieKid's wounds and healed him, giving him new hands with which to carry out the holy duty of spamming. IndieKid smiled and the pair travelled through the portal into BBH.
The Good Spamaritan
Once upon a time, there was a homeless man on a busy road. He had been a devout Dioist with a loving family and a good home, before he had cheated and broken his vows of virginity that are ridiculously imposed onto those that follow the faith. He had been caught and as a punishment, the Dio tattoo that he had lovingly engraved on his forehead was slashed as a sign of shame, showing him as a fraud and not a real believer. His wife had thrown him out of his home and he had turned to drinking, spending what little money he had on booze. He was sat by the side of this road, begging. The first person to come past him was a Dioist, who turned away in disgust when he saw what the man had done. The next person along the road was a member of the Adderist deity ( a heathen religion with very little erepublik relevance) and turned away, as he saw the man was once a Dioist and refused to help him. However, the next person to come along was a Spamaritan, a follower of Bob Boblo. Bobloists and Dioists are traditional enemies, however the Spamaritan stopped to give help and assistance. He took the man to a Spamican retreat in the city where he gorged upon spam and that helped him to beat his alcohol addiction (not saying that alcohol is bad in any way, many Bobloists have been known to blossom under the influence) From then on he was a reformed man and went about spreading the word of Boblo and had a lots of fun being free from Dioist restrictions (and I'm not just talking about being able to spam ;) )
SPaMOS and the Whale
SPaMOS was called by Bob to visit the Spamican. However, SPaMOS was mislead by his own mind and defied the Boblo by travelling by sea to the land of the frogs for a holiday. This upset Bob Boblo so he summoned Meghan and sent her in the form of the White Whale to punish SPaMOS. She swam up to his boat (Well the was already next to it, it was a process of rotating so her mouth was in the right place) she then swallowed both SPaMOS and his boat whole. Inside Meghan were vast caverns filled to the brim with krill. He could hardly breathe because all the space was taken up by food. However, he repented his sins and he was filled with the spirit of Boblo as he called out to the heavens:
"SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER
WHEN YOU SEE THE BLACK WHALE
BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS, MEN!
IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL
THIS IVORY LEG IS WHAT PROPELS ME
HARPOONS THRUST IN THE SKY
AIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS CROOKED BROW
AND LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EEEEYE!!!!
As the sacred psalm was uttered, Meghan exploded and SPaMOS rode a wave of krill all the way to the Spamican, as Bob had initially intended for him. There at the Spamican SPaMOS underwent a religious transformation and became Cardinal Sir Digby Chicken-Ceasar, and would later go on to hold the glorious position of Pope and lead the Bobloist Church through a time of prosperity and of glorious spam, as per the will of our glorious Bob Boblo.
JvB in the Lionz Den
JvB, and the king he served (Dioism is a class hierarchy, Bobloism is freedom) were Dioists. Some of the king's advisors didn't like JvB so they made the king pass a law that only the king could worship Dio. However, JvB decided to go ahead with his faily prayers anyway and was caught. The king (against his wishes) trapped JvB inside the Lion's Den overnight. JvB did a deal with the devil (Dio) to keep him safe for the night, as Dio wanted those who were disrespecting his faith punished. When the stone was rolled away in the morning and JvB was released, He began to praise Dio and talked about how brave he was, lying about what had really happened. He grew cocky, and issued a challenge to the heavens:
To which Boblo thought it mightily funny to smite him where he stood, considering how much JvB had been boasting about his supreme powers. The advisors were overjoyed, until Bob smited them too for being deceitful Dioists. He got the king for good measure too. Brodie was walking past, witnessed the events then looked up to the heavens and said "Cool trolling bro".
Dioism is the religion of infidels. It is the worship of an ecitizen based on unorignial ideas of 'power', 'pride' and a country unrelated to us. It's worship is of a citizen who's icons are those of a dead 2D computer game. It has brainwashed the eWorld into believing that religion means faggy ritual, instead of release of individual thought.
Its worship is that of fallacy.
Bobloism is the ONE true religion - the worship of that which we ARE, and of that which we DO. Spam is the norm in our society, not chanting. Spam is the natural accompanying presence in everything in eRepublik. We do it whenever we login to the forums, to the IRC, to the game.
Its worship is that of evidental truth.
So why then, have we succumbed to this wave of blaspheme? For sincere belief of this fake theologically greater being? No. The United Kingdom has had a history of succumbing to peer pressure, and this is yet another example.
The people do not SINCERELY believe in dioism. They enjoy the shiny wiki pages, and the over-the-top phrases in chanting. They do not know the words of the book of dio. They know the one false phrase.
You cannot say the same of Bobloism. People enjoy spam, they understand it, they naturally learn it. It is not something forced into.
Truly, Bobloism calls for citizens to break out.
Religions hold so many traditions, so many set ways of life. They are so conservative. Bobloism is the only true religion, which encourages individuality, creativity, outletting of emotion and intellect.
BOBLO FIST o/ o/ o/ o/
He who cannot understand spam
Let him not be scared
Let him join us in our spam
And through spamming, become enlightened
And lo, he came unto the steeple, and looked about over the lectern, and depicted the spamican dance:
It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Spam Waltz again!
Over the hilltops and down in the glens,
I noticed that Bob do not live in their pens;
they cling to the mountains and high rocky tops:
how on earth do they get there without their Reeboks?
Up on the Aonach Eagach
hanging on to a wee rock bridge,
when yet again these Bob come by:
how do they follow me so high?
One last time I took a chance,
led those Bob a merry dance:
into the Cuillin on the Isle of Skye:
the In. Pinn. - they can't get that high.
But alas! Alack!! It was not to be:
the Bob were up there waiting for me!
Those trusty Bob, that pouring rain,
without them the hills would not be the same
Now the Shadow was more subtle than any Moderator of the forum which the Admin had made.
And he said unto BBH, Yea, hath not the Admin said, Ye shall not spam of every thread of the forum? and the Spamicans said unto Shadow, We may spam of the threads of BBH:
But of the threads of the forum which is in the midst of the eUK, Admin hath said, Ye shall not spam of it, neither shall ye comment on it, lest i wield my banhammer.
And Shadow said unto the Boblo and the Spamicans, Ye shall not surely resist the other threads for are they not ripe for spamming !:
For the Admin doth know that in the day ye spam thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be spammers, knowing good and evil.
And when the Spamicans saw that the forum was good for spamming, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a forum to be desired to make one wise, they posted thereof, and did spam.
And the Admin said unto the Spamicans, What is this that thou hast done? And the Spamicans said,Shadow beguiled and prevoked us, and we did spam.
And the Admin said unto the Shadow, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all spammers, and above every n00b of the forum ; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and spam shalt thou read and you must reside and be mocked in BBH all the days of your life.
And Boblo did eat of a bad curry on the road to wisdom:
"My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war."
If therefore the whole Spamican church be come together into one forum, and all spam, and there come in those that are unlearned, or unbelievers, will they not say that ye are banned? / But if all spam, and there come in one that spameth not, or one unlearned, he is convinced of all, he is moderator of all: / And thus are the secrets of his heart made manifest; and so falling down on his face he will worship Boblo”
Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change
Rules meant nothing, never would again
Let's do the Spam Walze again!
Begone foul moderator spawn of the Admins arse! so did the Boblo strike the Shadow with his staff to drive him from the holy place,but the Shadow would not leave but begged:
"Hath he not banished me to BBH so to sit on the wall, that i may eat their dung,drink their own piss and be mocked by the chosen?"
Therefore Boblo took the Admins servant, blacked out half his spectacles , cut off hs garmets in the middle, at the buttocks, and sent him away.